Last Friday Night
by merrywanderer
Summary: Blair wakes up in Dan's bed one morning but can't remember how she got there. A little bit sexy, a little more fluffy, and most importantly Chuck Bass does not exist in this world. Season 3 AU/One shot.


Her first drowsy thought is of her toothbrush. She had a lot to drink last night and must have fallen asleep without brushing her teeth. Smacking her lips together, she wakes with a satisfied simper and stretches her limbs along the length of the bed.

Her knuckles bump into something and she flops over to discover a person beside her. She rubs her eyes to make sure she's not dreaming and looks again at the man lightly snoring next to her in her bed.

No, not her bed.

She sits bolt upright as realization dawns on her and horror begins to set in. Clutching the sheets close to her chin, she gasps as she recognizes the cluttered bookcase, tacky bed linens, and unruly hair belonging to Dan Humphrey.

She whisper screams, "Humphrey! What happened last night?!"

A muffled moan is the only response she gets. This will not suffice. A punch to the shoulder should do the trick.

"Ow! Hey, what was that for?" No longer drowned out by his pillow, Dan's voice is clear and coherent.

"You tell me what happened last night Humphrey, so help me God, or I swear to you that you will lose crucial parts of your anatomy by day's end."

"I would think the answer to that question would be fairly obvious considering your state of undress."

Another punch, this time to the chest.

"But when did we...how did we...did we, you know?"

He accusingly raises a solitary eyebrow at her. "Don't play dumb, Blair. You were drunk, but not that drunk."

"For your information I am telling the truth, Dan. Last night's events are a bit hazy. I honestly don't remember how we ended up in bed together you jerk."

Dan's face falls a little and for some inexplicable reason Blair's heart goes out to him. He begins to fumble with the sheets a bit, chewing his lower lip.

"Er, I can assure you it was mutual, if that's what you're worried about. We both drank a lot. One thing led to another and here we are."

He can be extremely charming when he's not trying to be and she notices. She also notices the strong jawline and chiseled arms. What did it feel like to touch them, she wonders.

Shaking off the thought, she explodes. "Start at the beginning and don't leave a single detail out. Got it?"

He is amused by her persistence, though he's not sure what he was expecting. He knew she would be haughty and snobbish and would certainly act like it was a mistake. He didn't think she would pull the denial card seeing as she had, or seemed to have a very good time, and he absolutely did not expect her to still be in his bed when he awoke. He sneaks a glance at her and is struck by how beautiful she is this morning. She's always been attractive, but seeing her like this, in the morning light and exposed...well, it's takes his breath away.

"From the beginning?"

"From the beginning."

"Okay. Well, I used to date this beautiful blonde girl named Serena. She had a best friend named Blair who despised me. Loathed me. She considered me lower than a rat-"

"Humphrey. I will make good on my promise if you don't stop jacking around and tell me how I ended up naked in your bed."

He's ruffled her and he's so pleased with himself that he can't help the wicked grin that spreads across his face.

"Alright, but you might not be pleased with everything you hear. I'm just giving you fair warning."

"Humphrey, go!"

_Dan drops his bag, props his feet on the ottoman, and releases a melodramatic sigh. He's exhausted. His classes have been beating him down and he doesn't look for them to let up any time soon. He just needs a few minutes of rest before he delves into another few hours of studying so he shuts his eyes._

_He is awakened with a jolt when he hears the front door slam. _

_"Humphrey I need your help."_

_Blair. Of course it's Blair. She never knocks. _

_"I'm busy." He shuts his eyes and turns away from her, curling himself into a ball._

_"No you're not, you're just putting off the inevitable. We have mid-terms coming up in two days and you and I have got to get cracking. Are you seriously going to waste precious study time with sleep?"_

_He knows it would be pointless to argue with her. She always gets her way. He sits up and grabs the necessary books from his bag and flings them across the couch with such force that they ricochet off the arm and onto the ground, right onto Blair's foot. _

_He sees it in her face before he hears it, but audio track is available shortly after the visual._

_It starts off calm. She whimpers, then moans, then sits down to examine her toes before launching into a full on rant._

_"Are you trying to maim me?! What was that?" He sees her grimace and starts to think that she might actually be hurt. _

_"Let me see your foot."_

_"No way! I'm not letting you anywhere near these toes!"_

_"Come on Blair, I'll be gentle." He takes her foot and she begrudgingly lets him slide her Manolo off before dropping it carelessly._

_"Watch out. Those shoes cost more than your's and Jenny's entire wardrobes combined."_

_He is only partially offended as he is too distracted by the bloody mess that was once Blair's big toenail._

_"Oh...Blair, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do this. Let me get something to clean it up."_

_"What are you talking about Humphrey? I'm sure it's just a little bruise." She hasn't seen it yet. "It can't be that bad."_

_She looks down at the gory wreckage and horror creeps upon her face. _

_"Oh good lord, Humphrey! What did you do to me?" She looks away, feigning nausea. "Is it still there?"_

_"Is what still there?"_

_"My toe, is my toe still there? Oh god. I'm going to have a limp."_

_"Blair, I know it looks awful, but I don't think it's THAT bad. Come on, let's get you to the bathroom and clean you up."_

_He puts his arm around her waist, which she initially objects to but eventually allows as she has difficulty putting weight on her foot._

"Humphrey, I know this part of the story. Get to the part I don't know or so help me God..."

"Or you'll torture me mercilessly? Too late, you already did that last night."

He doesn't see the flying shoe in time and it hits him square in the jaw.

"You may continue."

_In an effort to dull the pain and cheer her up a bit, he makes vodka tonics for the both of them. She's hesitant at first._

_"You made this? I'm one hundred percent positive it's going to be terrible." She downs it nonetheless and asks for another. By the time she reaches her third cocktail, she's pretty tipsy though not without her wits. He, however, is completely blitzed. _

_"I suppose you think this means we're friends. You know, drinking buddies, swapping stories."_

_"Nope. We haven't swapped any stories yet. But now that you bring it up, I want to hear a juicy one. I mean, surely the infamous Blair Waldorf has a sordid tale to tell."_

_She rolls her eyes before polishing off the last of her drink. "Wouldn't you like to know."_

_His eyebrows go up and he briefly thinks she might be flirting with him but the thought is fleeting because she would never, would she?_

_"Nah, you are a bit of a prude. You probably don't have any good stories." He swallows down the rest of his drink and picks up the discarded textbook. _

_"For your information, I have some very good stories. I've seen and done things you wouldn't even dream of doing." She's indignant and insulted but she really shouldn't be. This is just Humphrey after all, a classless lump and a bland waste of space. What does it matter if he thinks she's a prude?_

_"Well, look who just got a little interesting." He sets the book down. _

_"I've always been intriguing Humphrey, you just never noticed. Your mind was clouded by your obsession with blond hair and long legs."_

_She wants to shove the words back into her mouth._

_"Hmm...so you noticed that I didn't notice you?" _

_"Don't let it go to your head, it doesn't mean anything. I take great pains to insure that I am noticed by everyone I come in contact with."_

_A stare-off ensues, him wanting to call her bluff, her daring him to say she's lying but not actually wanting him to do it. Finally, he relents. _

_"Well, let's hear this story."_

_"Are you sure Humphrey? I don't know if your delicate sensibilities will be able to handle such a provocative tale."_

_He clears his throat and gestures for her to go on._

_With a cheeky grin, she begins, "If you recall, I was on the-"_

"Wait. Stop. You don't need to repeat this part." she abruptly interjects, looking a little embarrassed.

Dan chews his bottom lip and furrows his brow at her. "Why? I thought you wanted to hear everything. That story is sort of a key point in explaining how we got to be in this state."

Her eyes rake over his relaxed form and linger for a moment on his shoulders. They're muscular and lean and she wonders if he is very strong. Could he lift her up, for example? Did he pick her up and place her in his bed? She shakes away the thought.

"I don't need to hear it come out of your mouth. Clearly I know the events of the story. I'm the one who told you, after all."

"Now hold on, how do you know which story I was talking about? I thought you couldn't remember anything?" His eyes are taunting and his accompanying smile is so sexy that that she wants to reach out and smack it off of him.

"I might remember _some_ of last night now. I could have been a bit disoriented when I first woke up causing me to...forget."

"Oh." He seems to lose some of his earlier bravado. "How much?"

"Um, just some of it. I remember that I told that story and when it was over you got all intense and serious and your eyes kind of glazed over."

"I was drunk."

"Yeah, but you said a few things that were questionable, at best. Things that you cannot attribute to intoxication."

She's turning the tables on him and he doesn't like it. Or maybe he does, but she doesn't need to know that.

They stare awkwardly at one another until a noise in the kitchen breaks the silence. The sound of paper sacks hitting the counter top are followed by the clinking together of glass jars and plastic packages. Both of them freeze, panicked at the thought of being discovered together.

Blair is about to berate him for not warning her when he cuts her off, covering her mouth with his hand. He places his pointer finger to his lips until she nods in understanding. The person in the kitchen begins to whistle. It's Rufus, back from the grocery store or some other errand. They sit unmoving, inches from each other and wait. Blair flips her hair to one side, thoroughly annoyed at having misplaced her hair band, and Dan is briefly mesmerized by the pale porcelain skin of her neck. He reaches over to move a stray strand of hair from her shoulder, sending a shudder down Blair's spine. She scoots two inches away from him. After a few minutes, Rufus retreats into another part of the loft, giving them a little more freedom to talk. Blair whips her head around to face his.

"You told me he was out of town!"

"He was! Or he was supposed to be! I don't know why he's here."

"Well, what am I supposed to do Dan? Hang out in your bedroom all day?"

He has a sarcastic response all ready to go, but it stops in his throat as he takes in the pink flush of her angry cheeks.

"No. He probably won't be here long. And while we wait, I'll just finish the story, deal?"

With a huff, "Fine."

He eagerly launches into Blair's story.

_"If you recall, I was on the Academic Decathlon team at Constance. We were traveling to a tournament one weekend and I had a hotel room all to myself."_

"Dan. STOP." Her cheeks are scarlet. "That story does not ever leave this room, do you understand?"

He contemplates torturing her a bit longer, possibly telling her he's already texted Nate and told him or maybe even that he's sent it in to Gossip Girl. She squirms and kicks her legs under the covers, her large eyes imploring, begging him to understand the seriousness of her plea. When he doesn't respond she bounces on the bed with a little whine.

"Daaaaan, you cannot tell anyone, ok? Please?"

Without warning, he is overcome with the urge to kiss her. She looks so gorgeous all knotted up in his sheets and he feels a kinship with her after last night. But he shouldn't kiss her again. He really shouldn't.

"I won't tell a soul. I'd prefer to keep that little gem to myself." He lets the statement settle between them before continuing. She's stopped bouncing and her eyes close in on him. The space between them alights with an unseen energy and neither of them moves. Neither of them speaks, they just listen, senses heightened, waiting for the other to react. She clears her throat, breaking first.

"Good. Thank you. I've never told anyone and I don't plan on sharing it again."

"But I enjoyed it."

She wrinkles her brow, crinkling her little nose up. It's infuriatingly sexy and without thinking he leans into her ever so slightly. Her eyes widen, and she places a hand on his chest, shoving him away.

"God, Humphrey! Don't get all sentimental, just tell me the rest."

"Alright, but I'm warning you, you're not going to like everything you hear. You got a little handsy."

She rolls her eyes, but is there a hint of a smile lingering underneath?

_He thinks it might be the single greatest story he's ever heard. He realizes that he's stopped breathing. The air is still between them but even so he can smell the faint lavender scent drifting from her pulse points. Her eyes search the room, looking for something. _

_"Don't you have any good movies we could watch?" She's spotted his collection now and stands to inspect. "I mean surely you own at least one decent film."_

_He still hasn't recovered from her story and stares blankly. She shrugs and decides to inspect on her own. Her fingertips lightly graze the spines of the dvd cases and finally settle on a Hitchcock. _

_"Yes, this'll do." She pops it into the player and pulls out another textbook, halfheartedly flips through the pages and then slams it shut. _

_"Well don't you have ANYTHING to say? I mean, I basically revealed my bawdiest secret ever to you and you're just sitting there like a bump on a log. I knew you were boring, but this is unbelievable."_

_"What do you expect me to say? That I disapprove? That I'm offended? I'm sorry Blair, but I'm not. I actually, well, I...nevermind."_

_"You what? What were you going to say?" She slides closer to him on the sofa and he starts to squirm. He's suddenly and inexplicably nervous until he notices that her cheeks are pink, either from the alcohol or embarrassment, and she seems a little nervous herself. Blair Waldorf is blushing. In front of him. Because of him? _

_"I thought it was sexy."_

_"Oh." She shifts a little, uncomfortable in her skin, then flops back against the sofa. "Well, are we going to watch this or what?"_

_As the movie plays, somehow a bottle of wine makes its way to their hands, textbooks and rivalries begin to be forgotten, and the space separating them reduces so that their legs are practically touching. Neither acknowledges this phenomenon but they are both aware. She teases him for loving the movie so much and he berates her for her running commentary, but they make sure to end their zingers on a soft note._

_"Of course this is your favorite movie, you're so ridiculously pretentious Humphrey. Though I must say, it's a good choice nonetheless."_

_"Blair, I'm surprised you haven't lost your voice yet, given the amount of blabbering you've been doing since I pressed play. Although I have to admit, you did bring up some fine points."_

_And on and on it goes, two elitist film lovers out snobbing one another until the alcohol is too much for one of the little snobs and she falls asleep against the other snob's shoulder. He panics for an instant but is too tired to move and doesn't want to deal with the backlash of waking up the princess, so he allows himself a moment's respite and closes his eyes._

_They're awakened by the police siren. She's frightened when she doesn't recognize her surroundings, but she feels strong arms around her and when she gazes into his warm eyes, she knows she's safe. They must've slipped down the couch in their sleep because she's laying on top of him, her head in the nook of his neck. Safe feels so very good right now. She notices that he's awake and he looks confused. Perhaps it's because she's looking at him like she wants him to kiss-_

_He feels her breath against his cheek before her lips touch. It's warm and smells of wine and curiosity and it's too tempting not to kiss her back. They're awkward and tentative and they struggle at first to find the right position, legs getting in the way, hers nearly causing him bodily injury. A million thoughts run through his head but he can't bring them into focus because of the almost electric charge coursing through him. Her soft, sweet kisses become more erratic and messy and she struggles to stay balanced on top of him. _

_He has a moment of clarity when she slips off the sofa, and tumbles onto the floor, taking him with her and knocking her head on the coffee table. He can't help it. He laughs out loud._

_"Do you find this funny Humphrey? I bludgeon myself and nearly lose a toe today and this is hilarious to you?" Her hurt is masked with outrage. "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I'm going home."_

_She scrambles off the floor and reaches for her discarded shoes, but he's too quick for her even in his state. His hands fly to her shoulders and she freezes under his touch._

_"Don't go. Stay. I thought we were having a nice time. Or, at least, I was having a nice time. A great time in fact." He smiles at her and she loses her resolve due to the wine or fatigue or maybe just maybe it's because Dan Humphrey is a damn good kisser. She wants it to happen again so she drops the Manolos and wraps her arms around his neck, eager to feel that mouth on hers again. _

_"This doesn't mean anything Humphrey."_

_He rolls his eyes. "Thank god."_

"What does that mean, Dan? 'Thank god.' You know, you would be lucky to land Blair Waldorf!"

"Oh believe me, I know that."

She stops her rant and stares at him. "What do you mean, you know that?"

"You're surprised? Well, I'm not an idiot and I know something good when I see it. Blair Waldorf is a spitfire and a force to be reckoned with. She'd keep me on my toes with her sharp tongue and witty banter and we'd never be at a loss for conversation. She'd watch my favorite films for the sheer pleasure of ripping them to shreds, tearing out my soul and filling it with inspiration all at once. She would laugh at me, keeping me humble but she'd sneak in a masked compliment just to make sure I'd stick around. Her sneer would probably amuse me for days, but her laugh...I wouldn't hear that as frequently, but when I did...well it would probably make my day a lot brighter. Yeah, I know I would be damn lucky to land Blair Waldorf."

She's stunned beyond words. And she's touched, so very touched. It's as if the words have flown out of his mouth and directly into her heart. She contemplates kissing him but then she remembers who is sitting beside her and she brings the sheets up tighter to her body.

"You're just saying that so you can get into my pants, er, sheets again. Please."

"Again? Nah, not again. I didn't get into them last night. Why would I think I could get into them now when we're both sober?"

"What are you talking about? We slept together. That's why I'm here."

"Now did I say that we slept together?" His teasing tone is infuriating. "I never said we slept together. If you jumped to that conclusion, well, I can't help that."

She blinks and looks under the sheets and confirms that she is indeed naked, but discovers that he is fully clothed from the waist down in worn out Levi's.

"What did you do to me Humphrey?!"

"Shhh! Lower your voice, Blair, my dad is still here remember?" He gets a pillow to the head for that one. "Fine, yes you took your clothes off, but no we didn't sleep together, but we almost did. We made it to my bedroom and enjoyed each other's company for a little while, if you know what I mean, and then I went to get you a bottled water. When I came back you had taken all of your clothes off and were sitting in the middle of my bed. Believe me, it took everything in me to say no, but I figured you wouldn't be too happy with me if we, you know, given your state of mind."

He finishes explaining and prepares for the worst while she sits there, soaking it all in. He's always been noble but she's never felt it so acutely directed at her and it's nice. It feels really nice. And he looks so good in the morning, all ruffled hair and chivalry.

"You know Humphrey, you'd be really lucky to land Blair Waldorf." One side of her mouth curves up mischievously. "Would you like to?"

"More than you know."

His lips are on hers in record time. They enjoy each other's company for the time being, and are so distracted that they don't even notice when Rufus leaves the loft again. It's fun and flirty and a little bit dangerous and they both feel pretty lucky.


End file.
